How We Use Screens As A Parenting Tool (And Why We Don’t Regret It)

In 2022, my wife and I transitioned from being strict "screen-time zero" parents to adopting a more flexible approach. Our child, born in 2021, started interacting with screens regularly.

Screens were initially introduced out of necessity. Whether it was because our childcare fell through, we had COVID, or one of us needed to take a last-minute Zoom call, the shift happened organically. Neither my wife or I remember exactly why it happened. Our carefully considered stance went out the window some time after a hectic first year of parenting.

I also shifted from “scolding” her grandparents for playing short videos or games with our daughter to realizing that not all screen time was bad. We had feared our daughter would become totally focused on screens and unable to do anything else. In retrospect, our previous stance was probably not as well-considered as we thought. Especially in a pandemic.

Once screens were introduced, we noticed our daughter’s imagination flourish. She began expressing ideas that seemed to come from shows, like explaining that "a community is where all your friends live" or pretending to be a cat by putting socks on her paws and walking on all fours outside. Could have been an expected developmental leap, but it felt like her imagination exploded with new ideas.

However, we realized we needed to be more intentional about guiding our now 3-year-old's interaction with technology. She ended up on some unexpected shows, we had tantrums, and we experienced guilt as she sometimes watched longer than we would have wanted.

To get more intentional, we read papers (linked below), talked to doctors and friends, and came to these conclusions:

• Not all screen activities are created equal; some are more interactive and educational than others.

• The device matters; for example, watching on an iPad is different from a larger screen like the TV.

We drew a distinction between "kids content” on YouTube using the iPad and watching an educational show on a larger screen, like the TV.

Screen time is also different when I sit with our daughter to teach her how to type her name or her friend’s name. Or when I show her how to highlight something in orange and enlarge it, then change the color to pink as she requests. Then, we experiment with lighter shades of pink together. This interactive approach feels like a way to build skills rather than passively consume content. We also use “dumb screens” like affordable e-ink drawing tablets for this purpose.

Through this process, we learned we could use screens to help her build closer relationships, explore new concepts, accomplish real-world tasks, or master new skills in the physical world.

She now tells us fascinating facts about dung beetles and anteaters or suggests we look up Spanish words—both direct results of her exposure to screens. She also sings songs and jingles from Daniel Tiger about things like going potty.

This is exactly what two parents with jobs that rely on technology would hope for. She’s hearing about topics from experts, she’s discussing new things with us and devices with screens have become another tool for her.

Thinking about my own experience with screens, I remember the first time I learned new strategies for the game Total Annihilation using them to impress my older brother's friends. And connecting with new people in World of Warcraft for their problem-solving approaches.

Further back, I learned from the Count on Sesame Street, LeVar Burton on Reading Rainbow, and geography from Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?. I never became an expert in any of those topics, but screens have certainly helped me build relationships, learn new things, and think more critically.

Sometimes, parents just need a break, especially when planned support falls through. We've experienced that firsthand and every parent needs to make their own choices.

For us, there’s value in screen time. It’s about finding the value and using screens intentionally.

But we aren’t ignoring the risks or challenges.

We've experienced tantrums when it’s time to stop using the iPad, and we’ve seen frustration when something doesn’t work as expected. We’ve found this especially true with iPad usage.

So, we've approached it like this:

• Limiting screen time to a few hours per week

• Choosing the TV over the iPad when possible

• Using screens together with our daughter when we can and discussing the topics

• Avoiding screens at the table unless we’re specifically looking for information (e.g. a Spanish translation, the size of a dung beetle)

• Curating the kinds of things she can watch or interact with very carefully

• Watching for signs of overstimulation and avoiding those shows or games that cause it

And of course, check back with us later after we get through the toddler years. Lots could change :)

More resources:

• American Academy of Child And Adolescent Psychiatry guidance

• American Academy of Pediatrics guidance

• Type of screen time moderates effects on outcomes in 4013 children: evidence from the Longitudinal Study of Australian Children

• Screen Time at Age 1 Year and Communication and Problem-Solving Developmental Delay at 2 and 4 Years 

• Screen time and developmental health: results from an early childhood study in Canada